peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
