I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
