This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She's the barista slut.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
