Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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