I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
BRING THE BAGELS
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
