I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
