If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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