Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
