I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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