His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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