The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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