I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
