My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
