Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
