Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
