Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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