we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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