I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
