the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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