I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
