this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
