I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
