Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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