actually, I'm a sock model
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
