The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize