i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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