is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize