I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
