why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize