"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
