I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
