Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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