I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
