The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
