i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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