we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
