I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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