You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
