I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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