I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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