Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Two words: blizzard sex
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
