So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
