true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize