i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
