If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
