Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
