Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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