I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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