I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
