Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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