i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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