the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
