She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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