I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
