It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
