my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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